The final blog................

So my blogged friends, we find ourselves heading south, away from John O'Groats. They have made it! 1000 miles for SADS UK in memory of Ria. WOW! Despite the fog and constant rain in the morning they made it all the way!!!!

This morning we were up at 6am for a 7am start. This would have been fine had it not been for the fact that our campsite was uncomfortably positioned between a large A-road and a train track which kept us awake. When all the issues with grounded transportation were over, we were soon mistaken for people we were not. As soon as our heads hit the pillow, a pair of army planes began circling and zooming above our heads. Loudly. At first we believed that this may be a result of the boys ever growing beards, which are making them suspicious and rather Taliban-like, and then we thought that perhaps Michael's continuing wind had caused his tent to become so insulated that it was picked up on their heat seeking radar - whatever it was it was very annoying. Joe suggested that perhaps we were in the middle of an army airfield and the pilots were practicing. He was probably right as after half an hour all noise dissapeared.

Talking of air fields and noise - I was rudely awakened by bowels this morning. At first I blamed Michael in a 'boy who cried wolf' manner, but then I heard some child like giggling coming from the direction of Alex's tent. It was clear he was to blame though he soon denied it.

Oh. I forgot to mention some good news from yesterday. As we awoke in the morning Alex had a phone call from Joe. Having thought that Joe had sat on his mobile Alex looked confused. Alex always looks confused. We then realised someone had found Joe's missing mobile and was calling his dad. It turns out some old crone from Bolton le Sands had been busy drying Joe's wet phone out having found it in a lay-by - perhaps left on the roof of the car we think. Anyway he will be posting it to Joe's parents house. Good news indeed and sorry to anyone who has tried to contact Joe in the last few days!

In other news:
Michael and Joe had their last emotional scooby-snack stop in Wick. There was a seagull who tried to eat their jelly baby, but Joe's beady jelly baby eye led him to react super quick and flick the gull away. No damage was done. The say "Having rescued the distressed jelly baby from it's final moments, before eating it, we decided to experiment a little, exploring which bits of scooby-snacks the Scottish seagulls prefer. Clear winner - sweetened coconut."

In financial news:
Still no sponsorship from any of the Irvine boys.

Rudest man of the day:
The guy who owned the campsite at John O'Groats who wouldn't let me pay for the boys to have a shower. Out of principle please do not stay there. We also met a guy who apparently 'owned' the John O'Groats signpost and made a living charging people to have pictures taken by it. When I asked him if we could take pictures ourselves and explained about the charity he said we could if we donated to his charity pot. Apparently 1000 miles and 3000 quid was not enough of a donation!

Best bit of the ride:
The last 2 miles coasting in to John O'Groats. Though they were dissapointed not to have visited Hill O'Many Stanes, which they would have liked. Michael already has enough stains of his own to deal with.

Talking of Michael's stains...

Wind update:
Today the boys passed a sign warning of strong side winds which caused a great deal of confusion as before now Mike has only been able to produce back and head wind. This new type of wind caused him great excitement. Despite a clear morning, after a fry up and two black puddings there was an evident increase in gusts by the afternoon. This was dis-gust-ing.

Quote of the day: From Michael: 'I create more exhaust fumes than an old banger.'
Relationship between Martha and the tents: Deceased.
Relationship between Joe and bike: On a trial separation for a week with the hope of reuniting in the near future.

I am so very proud of the boys. Without their funny stories and inspiration this blog would not have been possible. I would also like to big up ALex for letting me boss him around snce arriving at camp. He has beena superstar and the best father in law ever. As this is the boys adventure I will now sign off and hand over to the boys so that thye can type their final words.......bye all, Martha xxxxx

Michael and Joe:

"We would like to thank all of you for your support and kindness over the last 12 days. In particular, we want to give our biggest thanks to Martha. Without her support and help this trip would not have been half as enjoyable and comfortable as it has been. Martha gave us free hotels, great campsites and hostels to die for. The experience has been a joy from beginning to end. Every moment will be remembered for life."

Thank you all for sticking with us...

Poem of the day

From Tain through fog and rain
To John O'Groats to drink champagne
which seems insane with knees in pain
And no Deep Freeze to ease the strain

Their lycras leaking nappy cream,
Which seeps and teems through every seem
As we head south to Aberdeen
To stay with Nana Jean

1000 miles from end to end
With Mike producing special blend,
Supported still by all our friends,
Round every corner, every bend.

THEY MADE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We finally made it! 1000 miles from Lands End to John O'Groats!

Photos, poem and stories to come later in the finall installment of our diary of adventures...

From Invergarry to Tain

We awoke this morning snugly and warm in our bunk beds, with everyone having had a wonderfull nights sleep. Michael has had a nice bath with some of the toiletries he has been donated by various women along the way, and as such feels relaxed and calm. They realised on waking up that the previous days cycle had been completed in the quickest time yet. Alex believes this is due to the fact that he was the pacemaker of the group, and was setting a fast speed. Everyone else agrees that it is not possible to be the pacemaker when you are at the back of the ride. We also agree that rather than being a pacemaker, he probably needs one. He is after all nearing 60.

After discussing the highland views, we then packed up ready for the day. We found a stray pair of very small football in printed underpants in amongst our washing. Michael denies they were his. We all disagree. Once the ride had started I caught up with the lads at Loch Ness where there was no evidence of any monster, only  monstrous smells. Alex decided to ride half a day with the boys having completed a full day in the highlands-we are very proud. At this point,it was discovered that Michael has been hoarding a plethora of edible goods in his saddle bag to the outrage of the other campers. He denies this hoarding but having spent most of my life in despair of his 'chocolate brazils in the underwear draw' habbit', i think there may be truth in the rumours.

In other news:

Best bit of the ride-the hour after lunch where the first sign to John O Groats was seen. They averaged 18 miles per hour which was fast.

Joe was reversed into in a major and blatant way as witnessed by Alex who relives the story as follows 'Ur...Joe urrm we were coming out of a car park, the right way and the car stood at the give way decided to go, stopped and then urm, urrr reversed back into Joe' Joe feels slightly comforted by this experience and has come to the conclusion he has a magnetic bike. This makes him happy as magnets are scientific, Science is geeky and Joe is a geek.

Wind update: The contagion is spreading. Wind has hit the camp. This has not been helped by the chicken Tikka jacket potato which has had a profound effect on Joe. He denies this, and says it was stomach cramps but none of the other campers believe him. This has become a camp of lies, mistrust and deceit. Michael felt at home on discovering he was about to cycle past a wind farm. He thought he should pop in to offer his services for a small fee. Michael is however optimistic about tomorrow as he saw some high flying swallows and apparently 'if the swallows low winds will blow' We all hold out hope that this is realised.

Bottom update: No problemo. Sudocremo.

Joke of the day by Michael: One biscuit says to the other biscuit 'you've been a wafer too long'.
Quote of the day by Michael 'I feel like I'm turning into a squirrel, all these nuts and seeds.....'
Relationship between Martha and the tent: conflicted and emotionally draining
Relationship between Joe and his Bike: Resolved by electrical tape.

We have an early start-6am so i will head off to bed. Night all

Martha

Poem of the day

The penultimate 75 miles completed
Lethargic legged but undefeated
The boys battle on nibbling 'nanas and oats
As karma leisurely leads them towards John O'Groats

But the dodgy lunch makes Joe a wee bit weaker
Through indigesting his dodgy chicken tikka
while Mike's beast of a Scotch Pie feast
Has led his wind to decrease at least

And for the Loch Ness beast they keep half an eye
But there's no sign of Nessie as the boys bike by...

From Tyndrum to Invergarry through the highlands

WooHooooooooooooo! We have reached the highlands. We are currently sitting in the beautiful Invergarry lodge having eaten homemade lasagne in our kitchen. Made by me, but I couldn't make the white sauce so had to buy some and it tasted funny. Our bellys are now full as are Michaels bowels so we have left him to play the piano in the naughty corner. Where he belongs. He feels his bowels are very still tonight. We disagree.

Alex has ridden with the lads today and having decided to only do half the ride, changed his mind and ended up doing a full 73 miles. Bearing in mind he has a free bus pass this is quite an achievement. Some chaffing occured but otherwise he is still intact and back on the red juice.


The boys say 'This has been the best days ride of our lives. The road was beautiful and oh so soft'
Alex says 'you've got the weather, the road, the um um um vista' They rode all day around the lochs and through the highlands and Great Glen. fab! The oh so soft refers to the new midgie cream we purchased called 'skin so soft'. So far this is very effective.

The morning didn't start so well. Joe woke up to a puncture. But this time, a phantom puncture. woooo! Him and his dad had man time and replaced the bust tube with a new one. As an experiment they blew up the broken innertube and left it in the car all day to see where the hole was. It turns out there is no hole. Geeks.

We stopped for lunch, another picnic, in Fort William, where Michael got indigestion. On speaking of his experience he says 'i got indigestion'

And in other news:
We rode a tandem. I was most in control. Michael was shortest. Joe was most annoying. Alex made strange ghost noises when he got scared. woooooooooooooooo!

Nobody reversed into Joe. He has now found himself feeling alone and isolated. This has been a big change for Joe and he is finding it difficult to overcome the prospect of being reverse free. He is not ready to discuss this experience and has become inverted. They were all, however, confronted by some scary hairy motorbikers who whooshed by them while they were eating jelly babies in a layby. They are afraid that the jelly baby image may have made them look more feminine than intended, and as a result will be eating their jelly babies in secret in future.

As I write this there has been some conflict about the jelly babies. Both Joe and Michael feel outraged and insist they they were entirely unaware that there even were any jelly babies. Alex has since confessed that he has been hoarding the little critters in his bed. Speaking about the incident Michael says 'basically, Alex has been hiding jelly babies'. No more news on this incident is yet available but it is hoped that the conflict will be resolved in time for tomorrows ride. Alex says 'Who's hoarding jelly babies?'. It is clear that we need to apporach this matter through some talking therapies. Michael wants to bring in ACAS.

Moment of the day: The piper playing the sky boat song overlooking Glen Coe
Quote of the day: 'Alex, you need scrote-so-soft'
Relationship between Martha and the tent: Uneventful.
Relationship between Joe and his bike: Slightly perculiar

Bottom update: Perfectly clear. Oh so soft. Feeling better that day two.

Wind update: No headwind. In other wind, Michael put on a special methane display for the tourists who were piling off a bus. He tried to raise money for the cause by parping a tune. This was nearly mistaken for bagpipes. He quickly rode off into the wind. Alex was not impressed. Joe has produced some wind but to a lesser extent. This begs the question about whether Michael's 'hill apprehension' condition, now to be known as HAC is contagious.

Not much to say. A happy day. Nothing happened. All agree this was the best days ride ever in the world. Amen.

Martha

Poem of the day

The beardy boys through bagpipe noise, over lochs do go
With Alex, grey-haired-OAP, peddling slow in tow.
Intermittent jelly baby breaks, skin bitten, bones begin to ache
With nothing these three blokes can't take, exept when Mikey starts to quake.......

And 73 miles later, looking more of an old codger,
Alex finishes the ride with sore back side and dodgy todger
All the way from Tyndrum to ride the tandum in Invergarry,
The famous three become a four, sipping wine happy as larry!

From Tyndrum to Tandem-pics and videos

Ach aye the noo

I have been waiting for several lots of eight minues. After each promise that the blog pictures would be up after '8 minutes' it then became another eight. Michael has now removed my wine because I am quote"moving around in a dangerous manner".

We are currently sitting in our Trekkers hut after cooking lovely pasta (see above picture). We have created a washing line that dominates the room and all is well. Michael is singing circus tunes because he thinks this washing line arrangement resembles a carnival. Today has been eventful. Michael broke a spoke. The boys had to stop in Glasgow to get it fixed. It's all sorted but a silver spoke is now in amoungst many black ones which Michael is concenred is a fashion disaster. He also worries that the black spokes are racially isolating the silver spoke. Then Joe had 3 punctures in one go but no hat-trick was awarded. He doesn't want to talk about this experience. After leaving the bike shop we ran into the World Bagpipe Band Championships which were very Scottish. We then had a picnic at Loch Lomond.

Joe has been reversed into twice today. This means he has only had one day where he has not been reversed into. Today it occured twice. One of these occasions involved a police car reversing backwards around a corner. Joe feels comforted by this experience and it's regualrity. He knows he can rely on the reversers. If no-one else.

I have realised that women keep giving Michael toiletries. Ths has now happened on several occasions. The first being when the travellodge woman gave him bubblebath and shower gel, then this morning a lady in the campsite on hearing of his gammy knee gave me some cream to give to him. When she saw him she said (In a Glaswegian accent) "I've geen yer lassy some creem fa yer knee. It's good fer thee ald folk". Michael was insulted. But has found it very relieving for his crone knees. Apparently the cream is made form mussel extract.

And in other news:
Michael is considering keeping track of his parping. He believes he may now hold the world record for powering the national grid with his wind and is now looking to prove this. He also created some headwind by burping today. He was grieving for the previous days headwind which has since disapeared.

Alex has discovered he is not immune to Midgies which he apparently thought he was. He thinks he should eat garlic to relive this. I think he is getting confused with vampires. Alex also wants to sleep on the bottom bunk. We fear he may be worried about falling out or having a toilet 'accident' in his sleep. He assures us this is not the case.  Since Alex's arrival the camp has changed considerably. The level of alcohol being consumed has risen considerably. As has Michaels level of wind. And Michael's mood. In fact he says he no longer feels compelled to lie beside stray dogs now that he has Alex.

Michael has overcome the initial problems he had with his midgie hat. He has found a way to hold his cup of wine inside the hat so that he can still drink it. Photographic evidence above.

Quote of the day: Michael said "That's it, I'm nutted out"

Joke of the day:  "Two pieces of tarmac walk into a bar, a black piece and a red piece. The barman says to the black piece of tarmac 'What do you want to drink mate?' He says 'A pint of bitter please'. The barman then turns to the red piece of tarmac and says 'What about you mate?' The red piece of tarmac says 'bog off, what are you talking to me for'. The barman says to the black piece of tarmac 'What's up with your mate'. The black piece says 'Don't worry about him, he's a cyclepath'

Best bit of the ride: The cycle track from Dumbarton to Loch Lomond, good provision for cyclists and very beautiful.
Observation about Alex: He is always starving.
Relationship between Martha and the tent: Difficult.

Bottom update: All going well.

More tomorrow, Martha

Poem of the day - Oocha Beastie

The ibuprofen makes Mike rattle, as he bikes it up the hills
While it's the bees and bugs Joe battles, fighting bites with bite-stop pills,
Suncream and Antihistamine, their bottoms gleam with nappy cream
A delightful sight like none you've seen, as Sudocrem seeps from every seam...
And frightening, biting natures beast, the midgy on the boys does feast
But not upon their butts at least, the rubbing today at least has ceased.

This isn't all that's now occurred, as though unheard of, though absurd
Joe got two punctures then a third while Michael broke his spoke.
But somehow, via thick and thin they're through, laughing like they always do,
Sticking together like paper and glue, cycling and having a joke
The mood is filled with 'we're near!' cheer, celebrated with another beer,
As towards their final stop they steer, from here to John O'Groats!