The final blog................

So my blogged friends, we find ourselves heading south, away from John O'Groats. They have made it! 1000 miles for SADS UK in memory of Ria. WOW! Despite the fog and constant rain in the morning they made it all the way!!!!

This morning we were up at 6am for a 7am start. This would have been fine had it not been for the fact that our campsite was uncomfortably positioned between a large A-road and a train track which kept us awake. When all the issues with grounded transportation were over, we were soon mistaken for people we were not. As soon as our heads hit the pillow, a pair of army planes began circling and zooming above our heads. Loudly. At first we believed that this may be a result of the boys ever growing beards, which are making them suspicious and rather Taliban-like, and then we thought that perhaps Michael's continuing wind had caused his tent to become so insulated that it was picked up on their heat seeking radar - whatever it was it was very annoying. Joe suggested that perhaps we were in the middle of an army airfield and the pilots were practicing. He was probably right as after half an hour all noise dissapeared.

Talking of air fields and noise - I was rudely awakened by bowels this morning. At first I blamed Michael in a 'boy who cried wolf' manner, but then I heard some child like giggling coming from the direction of Alex's tent. It was clear he was to blame though he soon denied it.

Oh. I forgot to mention some good news from yesterday. As we awoke in the morning Alex had a phone call from Joe. Having thought that Joe had sat on his mobile Alex looked confused. Alex always looks confused. We then realised someone had found Joe's missing mobile and was calling his dad. It turns out some old crone from Bolton le Sands had been busy drying Joe's wet phone out having found it in a lay-by - perhaps left on the roof of the car we think. Anyway he will be posting it to Joe's parents house. Good news indeed and sorry to anyone who has tried to contact Joe in the last few days!

In other news:
Michael and Joe had their last emotional scooby-snack stop in Wick. There was a seagull who tried to eat their jelly baby, but Joe's beady jelly baby eye led him to react super quick and flick the gull away. No damage was done. The say "Having rescued the distressed jelly baby from it's final moments, before eating it, we decided to experiment a little, exploring which bits of scooby-snacks the Scottish seagulls prefer. Clear winner - sweetened coconut."

In financial news:
Still no sponsorship from any of the Irvine boys.

Rudest man of the day:
The guy who owned the campsite at John O'Groats who wouldn't let me pay for the boys to have a shower. Out of principle please do not stay there. We also met a guy who apparently 'owned' the John O'Groats signpost and made a living charging people to have pictures taken by it. When I asked him if we could take pictures ourselves and explained about the charity he said we could if we donated to his charity pot. Apparently 1000 miles and 3000 quid was not enough of a donation!

Best bit of the ride:
The last 2 miles coasting in to John O'Groats. Though they were dissapointed not to have visited Hill O'Many Stanes, which they would have liked. Michael already has enough stains of his own to deal with.

Talking of Michael's stains...

Wind update:
Today the boys passed a sign warning of strong side winds which caused a great deal of confusion as before now Mike has only been able to produce back and head wind. This new type of wind caused him great excitement. Despite a clear morning, after a fry up and two black puddings there was an evident increase in gusts by the afternoon. This was dis-gust-ing.

Quote of the day: From Michael: 'I create more exhaust fumes than an old banger.'
Relationship between Martha and the tents: Deceased.
Relationship between Joe and bike: On a trial separation for a week with the hope of reuniting in the near future.

I am so very proud of the boys. Without their funny stories and inspiration this blog would not have been possible. I would also like to big up ALex for letting me boss him around snce arriving at camp. He has beena superstar and the best father in law ever. As this is the boys adventure I will now sign off and hand over to the boys so that thye can type their final words.......bye all, Martha xxxxx

Michael and Joe:

"We would like to thank all of you for your support and kindness over the last 12 days. In particular, we want to give our biggest thanks to Martha. Without her support and help this trip would not have been half as enjoyable and comfortable as it has been. Martha gave us free hotels, great campsites and hostels to die for. The experience has been a joy from beginning to end. Every moment will be remembered for life."

Thank you all for sticking with us...

Poem of the day

From Tain through fog and rain
To John O'Groats to drink champagne
which seems insane with knees in pain
And no Deep Freeze to ease the strain

Their lycras leaking nappy cream,
Which seeps and teems through every seem
As we head south to Aberdeen
To stay with Nana Jean

1000 miles from end to end
With Mike producing special blend,
Supported still by all our friends,
Round every corner, every bend.

THEY MADE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We finally made it! 1000 miles from Lands End to John O'Groats!

Photos, poem and stories to come later in the finall installment of our diary of adventures...

From Invergarry to Tain

We awoke this morning snugly and warm in our bunk beds, with everyone having had a wonderfull nights sleep. Michael has had a nice bath with some of the toiletries he has been donated by various women along the way, and as such feels relaxed and calm. They realised on waking up that the previous days cycle had been completed in the quickest time yet. Alex believes this is due to the fact that he was the pacemaker of the group, and was setting a fast speed. Everyone else agrees that it is not possible to be the pacemaker when you are at the back of the ride. We also agree that rather than being a pacemaker, he probably needs one. He is after all nearing 60.

After discussing the highland views, we then packed up ready for the day. We found a stray pair of very small football in printed underpants in amongst our washing. Michael denies they were his. We all disagree. Once the ride had started I caught up with the lads at Loch Ness where there was no evidence of any monster, only  monstrous smells. Alex decided to ride half a day with the boys having completed a full day in the highlands-we are very proud. At this point,it was discovered that Michael has been hoarding a plethora of edible goods in his saddle bag to the outrage of the other campers. He denies this hoarding but having spent most of my life in despair of his 'chocolate brazils in the underwear draw' habbit', i think there may be truth in the rumours.

In other news:

Best bit of the ride-the hour after lunch where the first sign to John O Groats was seen. They averaged 18 miles per hour which was fast.

Joe was reversed into in a major and blatant way as witnessed by Alex who relives the story as follows 'Ur...Joe urrm we were coming out of a car park, the right way and the car stood at the give way decided to go, stopped and then urm, urrr reversed back into Joe' Joe feels slightly comforted by this experience and has come to the conclusion he has a magnetic bike. This makes him happy as magnets are scientific, Science is geeky and Joe is a geek.

Wind update: The contagion is spreading. Wind has hit the camp. This has not been helped by the chicken Tikka jacket potato which has had a profound effect on Joe. He denies this, and says it was stomach cramps but none of the other campers believe him. This has become a camp of lies, mistrust and deceit. Michael felt at home on discovering he was about to cycle past a wind farm. He thought he should pop in to offer his services for a small fee. Michael is however optimistic about tomorrow as he saw some high flying swallows and apparently 'if the swallows low winds will blow' We all hold out hope that this is realised.

Bottom update: No problemo. Sudocremo.

Joke of the day by Michael: One biscuit says to the other biscuit 'you've been a wafer too long'.
Quote of the day by Michael 'I feel like I'm turning into a squirrel, all these nuts and seeds.....'
Relationship between Martha and the tent: conflicted and emotionally draining
Relationship between Joe and his Bike: Resolved by electrical tape.

We have an early start-6am so i will head off to bed. Night all

Martha

Poem of the day

The penultimate 75 miles completed
Lethargic legged but undefeated
The boys battle on nibbling 'nanas and oats
As karma leisurely leads them towards John O'Groats

But the dodgy lunch makes Joe a wee bit weaker
Through indigesting his dodgy chicken tikka
while Mike's beast of a Scotch Pie feast
Has led his wind to decrease at least

And for the Loch Ness beast they keep half an eye
But there's no sign of Nessie as the boys bike by...

From Tyndrum to Invergarry through the highlands

WooHooooooooooooo! We have reached the highlands. We are currently sitting in the beautiful Invergarry lodge having eaten homemade lasagne in our kitchen. Made by me, but I couldn't make the white sauce so had to buy some and it tasted funny. Our bellys are now full as are Michaels bowels so we have left him to play the piano in the naughty corner. Where he belongs. He feels his bowels are very still tonight. We disagree.

Alex has ridden with the lads today and having decided to only do half the ride, changed his mind and ended up doing a full 73 miles. Bearing in mind he has a free bus pass this is quite an achievement. Some chaffing occured but otherwise he is still intact and back on the red juice.


The boys say 'This has been the best days ride of our lives. The road was beautiful and oh so soft'
Alex says 'you've got the weather, the road, the um um um vista' They rode all day around the lochs and through the highlands and Great Glen. fab! The oh so soft refers to the new midgie cream we purchased called 'skin so soft'. So far this is very effective.

The morning didn't start so well. Joe woke up to a puncture. But this time, a phantom puncture. woooo! Him and his dad had man time and replaced the bust tube with a new one. As an experiment they blew up the broken innertube and left it in the car all day to see where the hole was. It turns out there is no hole. Geeks.

We stopped for lunch, another picnic, in Fort William, where Michael got indigestion. On speaking of his experience he says 'i got indigestion'

And in other news:
We rode a tandem. I was most in control. Michael was shortest. Joe was most annoying. Alex made strange ghost noises when he got scared. woooooooooooooooo!

Nobody reversed into Joe. He has now found himself feeling alone and isolated. This has been a big change for Joe and he is finding it difficult to overcome the prospect of being reverse free. He is not ready to discuss this experience and has become inverted. They were all, however, confronted by some scary hairy motorbikers who whooshed by them while they were eating jelly babies in a layby. They are afraid that the jelly baby image may have made them look more feminine than intended, and as a result will be eating their jelly babies in secret in future.

As I write this there has been some conflict about the jelly babies. Both Joe and Michael feel outraged and insist they they were entirely unaware that there even were any jelly babies. Alex has since confessed that he has been hoarding the little critters in his bed. Speaking about the incident Michael says 'basically, Alex has been hiding jelly babies'. No more news on this incident is yet available but it is hoped that the conflict will be resolved in time for tomorrows ride. Alex says 'Who's hoarding jelly babies?'. It is clear that we need to apporach this matter through some talking therapies. Michael wants to bring in ACAS.

Moment of the day: The piper playing the sky boat song overlooking Glen Coe
Quote of the day: 'Alex, you need scrote-so-soft'
Relationship between Martha and the tent: Uneventful.
Relationship between Joe and his bike: Slightly perculiar

Bottom update: Perfectly clear. Oh so soft. Feeling better that day two.

Wind update: No headwind. In other wind, Michael put on a special methane display for the tourists who were piling off a bus. He tried to raise money for the cause by parping a tune. This was nearly mistaken for bagpipes. He quickly rode off into the wind. Alex was not impressed. Joe has produced some wind but to a lesser extent. This begs the question about whether Michael's 'hill apprehension' condition, now to be known as HAC is contagious.

Not much to say. A happy day. Nothing happened. All agree this was the best days ride ever in the world. Amen.

Martha

Poem of the day

The beardy boys through bagpipe noise, over lochs do go
With Alex, grey-haired-OAP, peddling slow in tow.
Intermittent jelly baby breaks, skin bitten, bones begin to ache
With nothing these three blokes can't take, exept when Mikey starts to quake.......

And 73 miles later, looking more of an old codger,
Alex finishes the ride with sore back side and dodgy todger
All the way from Tyndrum to ride the tandum in Invergarry,
The famous three become a four, sipping wine happy as larry!

From Tyndrum to Tandem-pics and videos

Ach aye the noo

I have been waiting for several lots of eight minues. After each promise that the blog pictures would be up after '8 minutes' it then became another eight. Michael has now removed my wine because I am quote"moving around in a dangerous manner".

We are currently sitting in our Trekkers hut after cooking lovely pasta (see above picture). We have created a washing line that dominates the room and all is well. Michael is singing circus tunes because he thinks this washing line arrangement resembles a carnival. Today has been eventful. Michael broke a spoke. The boys had to stop in Glasgow to get it fixed. It's all sorted but a silver spoke is now in amoungst many black ones which Michael is concenred is a fashion disaster. He also worries that the black spokes are racially isolating the silver spoke. Then Joe had 3 punctures in one go but no hat-trick was awarded. He doesn't want to talk about this experience. After leaving the bike shop we ran into the World Bagpipe Band Championships which were very Scottish. We then had a picnic at Loch Lomond.

Joe has been reversed into twice today. This means he has only had one day where he has not been reversed into. Today it occured twice. One of these occasions involved a police car reversing backwards around a corner. Joe feels comforted by this experience and it's regualrity. He knows he can rely on the reversers. If no-one else.

I have realised that women keep giving Michael toiletries. Ths has now happened on several occasions. The first being when the travellodge woman gave him bubblebath and shower gel, then this morning a lady in the campsite on hearing of his gammy knee gave me some cream to give to him. When she saw him she said (In a Glaswegian accent) "I've geen yer lassy some creem fa yer knee. It's good fer thee ald folk". Michael was insulted. But has found it very relieving for his crone knees. Apparently the cream is made form mussel extract.

And in other news:
Michael is considering keeping track of his parping. He believes he may now hold the world record for powering the national grid with his wind and is now looking to prove this. He also created some headwind by burping today. He was grieving for the previous days headwind which has since disapeared.

Alex has discovered he is not immune to Midgies which he apparently thought he was. He thinks he should eat garlic to relive this. I think he is getting confused with vampires. Alex also wants to sleep on the bottom bunk. We fear he may be worried about falling out or having a toilet 'accident' in his sleep. He assures us this is not the case.  Since Alex's arrival the camp has changed considerably. The level of alcohol being consumed has risen considerably. As has Michaels level of wind. And Michael's mood. In fact he says he no longer feels compelled to lie beside stray dogs now that he has Alex.

Michael has overcome the initial problems he had with his midgie hat. He has found a way to hold his cup of wine inside the hat so that he can still drink it. Photographic evidence above.

Quote of the day: Michael said "That's it, I'm nutted out"

Joke of the day:  "Two pieces of tarmac walk into a bar, a black piece and a red piece. The barman says to the black piece of tarmac 'What do you want to drink mate?' He says 'A pint of bitter please'. The barman then turns to the red piece of tarmac and says 'What about you mate?' The red piece of tarmac says 'bog off, what are you talking to me for'. The barman says to the black piece of tarmac 'What's up with your mate'. The black piece says 'Don't worry about him, he's a cyclepath'

Best bit of the ride: The cycle track from Dumbarton to Loch Lomond, good provision for cyclists and very beautiful.
Observation about Alex: He is always starving.
Relationship between Martha and the tent: Difficult.

Bottom update: All going well.

More tomorrow, Martha

Poem of the day - Oocha Beastie

The ibuprofen makes Mike rattle, as he bikes it up the hills
While it's the bees and bugs Joe battles, fighting bites with bite-stop pills,
Suncream and Antihistamine, their bottoms gleam with nappy cream
A delightful sight like none you've seen, as Sudocrem seeps from every seam...
And frightening, biting natures beast, the midgy on the boys does feast
But not upon their butts at least, the rubbing today at least has ceased.

This isn't all that's now occurred, as though unheard of, though absurd
Joe got two punctures then a third while Michael broke his spoke.
But somehow, via thick and thin they're through, laughing like they always do,
Sticking together like paper and glue, cycling and having a joke
The mood is filled with 'we're near!' cheer, celebrated with another beer,
As towards their final stop they steer, from here to John O'Groats!

From Gretna through the source of all wind to Motherwell

Howdy non-campers. This is Martha Leblog, reporting from Motherwell camp. As we speak Joe is marinating the BBQ steak while Michael is serenading them. This is very romantic. The boys are becoming very close.

Today has been almost as tempestuous as day one. After leaving our lovely complimentary hotel room we went down for a lovely complimentary breakfast before the lads set off from Gretna to Motherwell. I stayed back at the hotel after they had left and was busy relaxing and enjoying my tent free freedom. It was fab. However my phone was in the car, and on deciding to go find the blokes i realised i had 12 missed calls from hubby who had left the saddle bag with all his energy bars in the car. I was therefore a rubbish support team and 2 hour later met him hungry at a lay-by. All is now well. Lesson learned.

The day's cycle was 80 miles. Oocha beastie! They decided to go for a longer morning but the first 45 miles before lunch were harder than any days they had done so far. Apparently by a long way. Michael has a gammy knee which didn't help. The difficulties were mainly due to the relentless driving headwind.

Taking of wind...As for the bottom wind, there was no sign as the headwind was too strong to allow for any air to come out of any orifice. Michael was disapointed as he thought it may have helped him up the hills. 

After the wind Michael fell into a deep depression. He says this was merely a moment of enlightenment. After seeing a dog lying  outside i said 'That's the life eh?' to which he responded 'yeah, great, lying there lonely and getting up now and then to sniff people. Seems depressing to me' which was closely followed by 'Mind you, might be better than being me.' After lunch he then walked outside and pretended to be a dog, with the dog. We are all concerned. There is photographic evidence above. The hills are taking their toll.

In other news:

At dinner Michael told a bad Joke. Sheep don't have showers they have baaaaaaaaaaaths.

Joe was reversed into again after thinking this phase had ended. He feels lost and confused about the incident and is not yet ready to discuss his experience.

A mad dog ran into the road and tried to eat both boys. This was the only moment in the ride Michael demonstrated any speed. Joe prepared to kick the dog but luckily this move was not necessary

Alex has joined the campers. Speaking about his experience so far he says ' It's very um....urr, i got lost coming out the railway station and i'm really tired after my two mile walk'

The afternoon ride was better, the pace picked up. Monster steaks for dinner. No punctures to report.

Relationship between Martha and the tents: Not ok. Inside out.

Relationship between Joe and his bike: fab.

Bottom update: All cheeks doing well. Mostly peachy. Sudocrem working nicely

More news tomorrow

Poem of the day

The headwinds make them cower, their tempers dampen quickly,
Mike's legs start losing power, a stark reminder he's nearly fifty.
But although his muscles burn, he carries on and doesn't learn,
With bruising bum, but buttocks firm, both boys bolt around each turn.

So off i head to set up camp at Strathclyde country park,
To meet defeat with canvas sheets, I  loath this camping lark

With three tents to negotiate, against the wind i fight my fate
As Alex, 'conviniently' late says 'sorry i got delayed'
On thinking that his timings poor, I test my new-crew dad-in-law,
Getting him to set upo more, but find he's well behaved.
Yes this in-law, i can't ignore has clearly set up camp before
He puts in pegs and pumps up beds, all skills i can endure i'm sure.

So after his tardy disposition, he's since become a welcome addition,
having earned his new position, in the daily LEJOG blog!

Poem of the day

Due to a lack of inspiration the regular poet laureate Martha will today be replaced with talented limerickisist, Joe Hickerton. Martha is due to return to poets corner tomorrow.

"Limerick number one" by Joe Hickerton:

There were two cyclists on Shap
Who thought the weather'd be crap,
They got to the peak,
And didn't feel weak,
So rode all the way down for a.......toilet break.

Welcome to Scotland!

Well after many miles of cycling, lots of Sudocrem and a plethora of locations, we have finally made it across the border to Scotland. Go boys!!!!!!!

We set out this morning from Red Bank farm, Carnforth. Michael slept like a log and snored like a hippo all night and as a result has been nicknamed ‘Snora the explora’. I wil not be placing the head of our tent next to his in future. A silly mistake.

After waking up to a nice cooked breakfast made by lady muck, we were then interrupted by yet more interfering animals. This time a cow. With wind. From all directions. While I battled with the tents AGAIN!!!!! The boys got into their lycra, Michael going for his preferred girl pants and Joe for the first time opting for the blue shirt which he deemed a fashion disaster. Throughout this time, the aforementioned cow continued to suffer with vile outbursts of wind, farting and burping all over the shop and noise polluting our otherwise quiet Camp. Naughty cow. Michael meanwhile has made friends with the chickens who seemed to want to spend their days walking around his feet.

It was evident that I needed to leave camp. The madness was all too much and I felt like I had been sucked into a you’ve been framed animal special. So after having to straddle the roof rack once again, and packing up the car I drove off and met the boys at the top of Shap fell. 1,000 foot climb- which left the boys’ tender buttocks in need of a well earned rest.

Michael, you’ll be glad to know made it all the way, following Joe who found it strangely enjoyable. We stopped at a pub at the top and Michael had homemade Shap Cumberland sausage while Joe opted for a toastier. The sausage had a positive impact on Michael’s bowels which remained intact throughout the second half of the ride. There was no bottom wind today but a lot of head wind.

I decided to leave them to continue their ride and headed off to Gretna Hall Hotel who have offered us free 4* accommodation and a complimentary breakfast. Big up Gretna hall. However, my petrol light came on and indicated that I only had 50 miles of fuel left, so 25 miles later I pulled in to the nearest petrol station. It was closed and boarded up. The next nearest was in 20 miles, giving me 5 miles to spare. It was closed due to a technical error. Then with only 5 miles fuel I risked it to the hotel in fear of running out mid-Gretna. Luckily, when the boys arrived we risked again driving to a new petrol station, so fuel tank full and panic over.

And in other news:

A) There have been no vehicle punctures. However, it is possible that Joe may have punctured the air bed having woken up on a half deflated rubber flump of the airbeds former self. We are hoping it is a valve. If not, this will have been the third air bed belonging to Joe’s parents that we have punctured in the past 2 years.

B) Nobody has reversed into Joe. He is unsure of how to react to this.

C) Since Arriving at Gretna Green I have seen 3 weddings and as we are staying in the original wedding house, the place is steeped in history.

D) We also saw a crazy man on a massive unicycle

E) The in car washing line is a welcomed new addition for the support crew and has enabled very quick drying whilst in transit. The open window approach is very effective, however, I can now only see man pants when I look in the rear view mirror. This is not good.

Bottom update:

Both bums are doing well, both a little tender. There is possibility that there may be some bruising but judgement will be reserved until the morning.

Relationship between Joe and his bike: Harmonious

Relationship between Martha and the tents: volatile.

Relationship between Joe and the air bed: Deflated

More news tomorrow.

p.s.  We have just realised that the blog has an automatic function that displays adverts relevant to the blog the content.  We have just seen an advert for a radio controlled fart machine...

Pictures from the last couple of days

half way there-Widnes to near Morcambe

Well what an exciting day!

It all started last night when we met the lovely Jackie who worked at the Widnes Travelodge. She let the boys use a spare room to lock their bikes in and gave them a bottle of dove bubble bath to help them relax. She was there in the morning too, and signed the LEJOG form and asked lots about the charity. She then reached for her purse and donated £20-which was about 4 hours of her wages no doubt so really really kind. Humans are great!

Then the yoghurt exploded over the cool box so we had to have energy bars for breakfast. Following this, the boys revealed some news about the previous days ride. It appears that there was a storage potato phenomenon occurring a various points in the many county cycle. On more than one occasion, they saw potatoes at junctions. Just sitting at junctions. But these junctions were miles apart sometimes in different counties. This must be a sign. Any clues?

Potatoes aside the ride went well and neither I nor the lads had any punctures-which must be a record. We met just outside Preston for lunch and since we were in Lancashire Mike went for the hot pot. Joe opted for a giant burger and I had soup. After stuffing their faces they cycled into the distance looking like what can only be described as cycling sumo wrestlers in lycra bib shorts. Not a good look.

I drove onto the campsite to be taunted by interfering chickens that kept sitting on the tent and trying to get cuddles. There was also a cow doing chicken impressions but this only occurred when I was alone which makes it look like I am mad. I am not mad. The cow was making chicken noises. I couldn't put the tent due to wind so had to wait for the lads who cycled 4 miles past the campsite and had to come back. I ended up lying like a starfish across the half floating tent waiting for their return while talking to the chicken. Not a good first impression. Still not on speaking terms with the neighbours.

Bum skin intact, Sudocrem a god send. Michael has made friends with the chickens who now keep trying to get into the tent to eat the olives.

In other news-

There was more head wind today and the cycle was very gusty. As was Michael, who has come to realise his wind is all down to pre hill apprehension. This is his diagnosis. Not a good sign for Joe as the biggest longest steepest hill is coming up tomorrow.

Joe has lost his phone. We hope it turns up.
Relationship between Joe and his bike: Good
Relationship between Martha and the tent: vile.

Apologies for another  late blog. I have to go shoo the chickens....a tired but happy Martha.

Oh and I saw a horse stuck in a hole.

Poem of the day: The interfering chicken and the clucking mocking moo

Arriving at Red bank farm, near Morecambe by the sea,
The windy weather’s taken its gusty toll on me

In flusters from the blusters I play twister with the tents
When several swear words later , all my energy’s been spent!
So like a star shaped splat on the tent, I count to ten and try to calm
When onto the poles, rudely strolls a hen form the local farm
“Go away’ I say “ Can’t you see I’m having trouble!”
But the hen hell-bent, was well intent on giving me a cuddle
I try my best to shoo the fool and shove it in a clearing
But the reluctant hen, by then was just enjoying interfering

11 minutes later and the demon hen,
finally starts making feet,
While I battle with the gusts and forceful winds
before eventually admitting defeat
And then back turned, my guard now dropped, I hear I clucking sound,
Expecting to see the devil hen as soon as I turn around....

But there was no bobbing headed creature, there was no fluffy bird,
Just a farmers cow who’d become dethatched from his ever distant herd

But on turning back to sort the tent, the clucking did re-emerge
But all I could see when looking was Mr. Cow, munching on his verge

Suddenly I realised, this cow had just been clocked,
Together with the chicken, I was being frickin’ mocked
A clever hen impressionist, famous in the world of moos
But with this duo taunting, I refused to be amused

I wish the interfering chicken and the clucking mocking moo
Would cluck off out of here, ‘cause I’ve got far to much to do!

Oh Dear-What a day for the support crew!!!!

Before all is revealed, last night we had a lovely pub meal with Andy, Alex, Rina and Papa. Papa made friends with some scottish people in the pub who later donated to the charity pot whilst saying 'here you go, we're not all aberdonians' in an ery scottish accent. Thanks to all for their support.

I am blogging late for a reason. Widnes, or lack of Widnes being the reason. We arrived here to our Travelodge which is delightfully plonked in the middle of a mass of main roads and roundabouts with nothing but a Toby Carvery for miles. The hotel is basic but just the job, and as we couldn't get food here we decided to go into the town centre for something to eat. Having spent a while following 'town centre this way' signs, without any sign of a town centre, we came to the conclusion that it didn't exist. We then drove to the next town which was basically all borded up and still hadn't found any restaurants. Next logical conclusion, apparently, was to drive 15 miles to Liverpool and eat at pizza express. So dinner cost us 30 miles! Tasty though.

I dont even want to talk about the tyre. Damn that tyre. I am tired of tyres. Hours of time, 4 garages and 5 mechanics later I finally drove off. The lovely man in the garage donated a tenner to the charity though so big up to him. He also gave me hot chocolate-yum yum. I then went to meet the boys for omlettes, which they tell me were not as effective as baked potatoes.

News from the ride:

Apparently there was the first head wind of the journey. I did enquire about whether there was any bottom wind-the boys informed me this had been less of a problem today.

A crazy person reversed into Joe. Another one. He's still ok. I think i'll just cut and paste this sentence into the blog if it happens again tomorrow. All these reversing into Joe issues are becoming a bit tedius. I think he's doing it for attention.

The boys stopped in a layby for a drink. Just as they pulled up, about 20 metres up the road suddenly and unexpectedly a large tree fell across the road.  Good job the boys stopped otherwise they might have been sqaushed by natures giant.  After swerving out of the way this was soon avoided.  No other obstacles to report.

Best bit of the ride:

The first 20 miles through the Shropshire Hills in glorious sunshine.

Relationship between Joe and his bike:

Back on speaking terms.

Relationship between Martha and the tents:

Still non-eventful.

Relationship between Martha and the tyre:

Edgy.

The boys are really enjoying the ride.  Sorry about my tired ramblings.  I'll blog again tomorrow.

Poem of the day

The screw on the road to Culmington, with lady luck did conspire

To fiercely pierce our recent fortune, by puncturing my tyre.
Call it a sympathy accident, a technical hitch or a blip,
Perhaps the car towards the bikes, has puncture one-upmanship

On a 3 mile walk to the place of repairs,
I headed fast paced and slightly scared
To be faced with “I’ll drive down and take you there’
From the mechanic who replaced the tyre with the spare on hearing my unlikely news,
And seeing the evident difficulties with walking in canvas shoes

Spare tyre intact, mechanical Jack said I’d need to buy another,
Because the space saver spare, should be handled with care,
Then I remembered advice from my mother:
‘In times of stress, when tyres depress, just act the damsel in distress’
Which didn’t seem to greatly impress the first or second garage.

Undeterred I tried a third, acting dumb and like I’d not got a clue
I shouted ‘help I’m a lady, my tyre went bang and I’m in serious need of a rescue!’

Responding to my damsel calls, and saying ‘no worries we’ll fix it!’
2 rugged men in overalls, came and offered me a biscuit
In not long at all, my spangly new tyre had lifted the terrible curse
And I found myself lagging behind the lads, with a substantially lighter purse.

The boys say ‘probably the best ride we’ve had-beautiful blazing sunshine with stunning views’

The day has been, you will be glad to hear, very uneventful. I got so bored with the lack of action and lack of need for my support crew facilities, that I drove ahead to the static caravan in Ludlow to spend a couple of delightful hours reading.

Michael says his new girl pants are ‘absolutely spot on and pull him in all the right places.’

Bottom updates:

Sudocrem working well. Lunch in Monmouth caused some issues.

Michael says ‘the choice of lunch is important. Panini’s were not a good idea as they created excess gassius matter’
Joe says ‘If Michael eats a Panini he farts all the way up the hills’
Future lunch recommendation: Small jacket potatoes-these went down well.

Other news:

Michael hit the metaphorical wall, which he is now naming ‘The Pink Floyd’. But he got a second wind, (sweater than the first) which helped him up the hill.

Joe experienced two further reversing incidents, but as of yet, remains alive.

The static caravan is great. Michael is in the kids room. On his window it says ‘Means of escape’. As a result of this sticker, he is yet to know whether he will be still be here in the morning.

Relationship between Mike and the Bike: Good. He is happy as he has a new addition. A new yellow valve cap. He now has only a few components to turn yellow before he looks like a banana.

Relationship between Joe and the bike: Improving.
Relationship between Martha and the tent: Non eventful

Currently in a pub eating 8 different types of beer with Andy, Alex, Rina, Papa and us lot!

Blog again tomorrow

Martha

Poem of the day

A lack of rain and wet terrain
Has led the lads to laugh again
To Ludlow they cycled, no problems they’ve had
To meet Papa, Rina, and Joe’s mum and dad.

No lay-by repairs or inner tubes popping,
No sores ‘downstairs’ or constant stopping
No ominous clicks or split tyre panics,
No Halfords’s trips, or bike mechanics



Joe and Mike-catch them if you can!

As they bike it up the hill to tonight’s Caravan!

65 miles-from Cullompton to Bristol

The photos say it all-despite there being a positive and happy feeling in camp, today has not been without its issues. One might say it has been a right challenge in fact. I will try to report all events but there have been sooooo many so may not remember them all.

1. Today there have been 5 punctures, 2 bust inner tubes and one cracked tyre making the grand puncture total-9 in three days, as demonstrated by a remarkably cheerful Mike in this photo, who is laughing about the stressful situation.

2. A crazy lady who Michael later shouted at reversed into Joe who was doing 20 miles an hour. He survived without harm but did brush the car.

3. A dog leapt out from a bush and tried to bite Michael. Luckily the situation was avoided and instead the dog jumped out in front of Joe who was doing 35 miles per hour down a hill and nearly fell off his bike. This caused him to shout obscenities, for which I think we'll all agree will be forgiven.

4. We stopped for lunch in Burnham on Sea and on hearing of our challenge; the nice Brummie chef offered the two boys free Danish pastries and mars bars, which were gratefully received. Go team midlands!

5. After fighting with the tent after the boys had started their cycle, the roof rack decided to jam open. I worked out that this was due to the fact that it was quite full and I was too weak to put enough pressure on it. As I was alone the only sensible thing to do was to stretch my leg over the top of the roof rack and push it closed. It appeared that many of my camping neighbours seemed to find much amusement in my plight as I lay half sprawled across the car-which was unharmed in the incident

Relationship between Joe and his bike: Strenuous

Relationship between Martha and the tent: Dangerously unbalanced.

Best bit of the ride: 4 mile decent from camp

Worst bit of the ride: The A38

Quote of the day (when looking at the impending hill on the ma) Michael: ooocha Beastie!

All is well, time for bed, we head for Ludlow in the morning

Martha, Joe and Mike the bike

p-s A belated thanks and a big shout out to Nessa, Phil and Robbie for their support yesterday :)

Poem of the day

Eating pasta, with Richard, in Bristol we sit
The word puncture is strictly forbidden
Michael's bottom has started chaffing a bit
From the 65 miles they've ridden

With mismatched tops, and mishap stops,
Free chocolate from the local shops,
Has stopped such flops from causing strops
Their state of mind is still tip-top...

The boys in fact are laughing!

Day 3-Cullompton to Bristol

The tent is all packed up and the lads left early this morning for a shorter ride-only 70 odd miles today. Both of them are feeling realy good after yesterdays ride and are looking forward to seeing Richard Irvine in  for a comfy bed and some good company. I sent them off after having fed them sausage, beans and egg on toast-yum yum!

After leaving the campsite i caught up with the boys just outside North Petherton on the A38. As i was driving i saw them at the side of the road and pulled over. They told me they were fixing Joe's second puncture of the day. However, the mood was good, and they were laughing so no problems there.

I am now waiting in Burnham on sea where i willl get some lunch ready for them when they arrive to meet me. Michael just called to say they were running late as Joe's innertube has burst and his spare tyre cracked. They have now run out of tyres but by a stroke of luck were near to a halfords so have been able to fix the tyre and are heading my way. ETA about fourty minutes. Good timing.

Despite 7 puncutres in 3 days spirits are high and they are enjoying the ride. All in all a good day so far. I will blog again when i reach bristol.

Much monkeys, Martha

Well, after a tempestuous morning , the boys have made it to camp. Luckily for them, they have a fabulous support crewtette who has yet again fought through rain and wind to set up their tents. Confession time: There may be, and most probably is, a small insicle of damage to the Hickertonian tent. This was, of course, not caused by human error, but by my dangerously unbalanced nature. Which I’m told was caused by my rapid birth.  I apologise in advance to the in-laws, but ensure them that the damage is very small, and only to one of the fabric tent peg bits. Airbed still intact. Boys still intact, bikes surviving.

We are having a BBQ, which Michael says is ‘brilliantly prepared by chef Martha’ Michael keeps farting and blaming the cows. The showers at the campsite were cold. The sauna and pool closed. But the owners said we could camp for free so we forgive these discrepancies. Life is happy in the camp.

Michael was upset to find that his yellow top had not dried overnight and was forced to wear his red top. This caused him great distress as his sun glasses lenses were yellow and no longer matched. Luckily (and really weirdly) He has a variety of colours, so quickly swapped the yellow ones for red. According to Michael he was then able to see the world through rose tinted glasses, and so had a happy day.

Quote of the day: (After Lunch having already been rescued by the support team) Michaels’ belly rumbled and he said ‘ oh dear, I don’t want to have to call Martha back because I’ve messed my shorts’

Tip of the day: Free bananas available at Exmouth valley farm shop.

Beautiful view of the day: Clear skies and a clear view of the moors just after Bow.

Relationship between Martha and the tents: Not bad.  

And finally: Well done to the lads for cycling 90 miles-wow! Keep the donations coming as they are helping the boys up the hill. Fab!!

only 3 miles fomr the campsite we just left-a bad start me thinks.

A snapped gear cable, a cracked back tyre, and four punctures by the start of day 2
95 miles to cullompton camp is starting to seem 'no can do!'

But like big burley soldiers the boys battle on,
Their nut bars and gel pants ease the pain.
Undeterred by disasters of hours bygone
And the sky's relentless rain.

Stood by road in rain with a snapped gear cable waiting for support car if she can find us! Only 90 miles left today! Fantastic

The antics of Joe

As I sit and contemplate life Joe is drying the crotch of his cycling shorts with a hairdryer kindly donated by the lady  in the next door tent. She also donated £2. He also blowdryed his shoes. And Michaels.

Day 1-Lands End to St Tudy-65 miles

Pictures of the day:

After too much wine and food the night before the boys have completed their first leg in constant rain-yuk! After meeting them for coffee and a snack in Redruth after 30 miles cycling, I then drove past and honked at them a couple of times . I have spent much of my day waiting. The lay-by lingering I was partaking in made the locals grow ever more suspicious of me, so in fear of getting pasty in my face, I headed to St Tudy to set up camp - a blooming massive tent in the rain, on my own, followed by a lesser inferior tent that was just as hideous. Tents are, as a result the bane of my life. I have to take them down tomorrow just to put them back up again. Have mercy on me.

As for the boys:
1. There are no bum skin issues as of yet-which has brought cheer to the camp.
2. Michael got a puncture, which had to be fixed
3. Both boys had wet soggy bottoms which were a little muddy
4. The cycling shoes, now soggy are stuffed with newspaper
5. The boys enjoyed their ginger nuts (how rude!)

Facts of the day (from Michael):
a) Having a full bladder seriously inhibits performance
b) Bethan’s extreme energy bars were very effective, but did resemble cow poo once wrapped in cling film

I'll blog off now!
Martha x

Poem of the day

Poem of the day:

Upon Lands End the lads decend,
To John O Groats they'll cruise,
1,000 miles until the end
Their bums are bound to bruise

Their padded shorts relieve the pain,
As towards stop one; St Tudy they aim,
Through winding lanes, and wet terrain
With sudocrem in tow.

Cold. Wet. Windy.

  So the lads have made it to Lands End!!!!! See photo as evidence.

After a very tiring journey of around 5 hand a half hours, in which buttocks went numb and chocolate was eaten, we finally made it to Lands End. Phew! The journey was not without its giggles and spoonerisms (we think)-like when joe  said 'Len's hand to Pam's end' (how rude!!) instead of Lands End to Penzance. So...Now we are here. When we arrived we visited Lands End to make arrangements for the morning's cycle. While we were there, we saw a few people crossing the finish line who had ridden form John O Groats. When i asked them if they had any advice in advance of the lads ride they said "Buy lots of comfy cycling shorts because you're arse will hurt" Another said 'I have no bum skin left. It's bleeding" All of which comments were slightly concerning in light of the imminant ride, especially since those who had just finished were bandaged while sporting the wet nappy/swollen butt walk. Ouch! Now we are drinking wine and dipping houmus ready for the morning (Only one glass...or two for the lads.) More updates tomorrow. Martha x